The DVD of the film we made for the Police dropped on the mat this morning. I was at work so naturally Linda watched it first. This was no bad thing as I don’t think I could have watched it cold. Linda’s reassurance that it was ok was important as things have been a bit daunting of late. I had to read the report from the Psychiatric Specialist yesterday. I had been putting it off all weekend so it was overdue. For months I have been allowed to let other issues take over my limited mental capabilities. Whilst the accident wasn’t far from my thoughts, it was no longer centre stage. I still had nightmares but they weren’t cycling or accident specific. Then the video came along. It was important to do it both for the cause and to see how far I had come from the black days earlier in the year.
Reading my words from Autocue was like reality once removed. It was me but it was also a script. Then came the appointment and I had to relive everything again, only this time it wasn’t a story for a camera it was reality once again except it was reality on slow motion, each aspect and facet of the accident lived over on pause and rewind. When the accident happened, it just happened. No time to question, or to think how I was feeling. It just happened and opting out wasn’t an option. The time after the accident was a living nightmare and an aspect I had managed to lock away. I could look at the facts dispassionately and talk about the experience but living the experience again was bitterly painful and brought about fresh questions and emotions. It also exposed and brought into doubt aspirations I held for the future.
This has left me feeling empty and aimless. I have been struggling to get to grips with the loss and I always felt you couldn’t have your dreams taken from you and now it appears you can. To read the report for court and see my inner turmoil laid bare in black and white seems to have sent me backwards. The flashbacks are back, in fact they are of the accident and I am having flash forwards for want of a better description of accidents happening in front of me. They are scaring the crap out of me and I can’t wait for them to go away.
So turning on a video of me telling the story and watching me reliving the event wasn’t really what I needed. I do look good in front of a camera, well I would wouldn’t I? And the video is for a fantastic cause and a triumph of common sense. I think I will be happy we did it at some point in the future and probably would have been happy now if I wasn’t unravelled by the psychiatrist, who apparently requires £1500 to cure me but for now I don’t feel I need any more reminders .